Well, That Explains A Lot!

I tend to beat myself up mentally... a lot!  The need to feel guilt was an emphasis in my childhood, and one of those things that got well ingrained.  So, I feel guilty about everything.   (DH says I feel guilty about things I can't even effect... he's probably right!)  One of the things I've been feeling guilty about is my good intentions for this blog and how paralyzed I seem to be at actually getting anything posted.  I was really hoping to have lots of friendly people following along our journey to our new son.  I don't think my lack of posts has really helped that much!  To your credit- I would get bored waiting for new posts too!!!

Even though I follow other people's blogs-- I feel like they have become friends of mine and eagerly check at least every few days to see how they are doing-- I still have this niggling doubt (Satan enjoys attacking my self-esteem;  it's a sore spot that always scores him a direct hit) that I can't imagine why anyone would feel that way about me.  This is in spite of the fact that some of the blog posts I've appreciated most are the ones where people have admitted they are not the amazingly put-together people it's easy to assume other people are-- like the precious lady who I read talking about homeschooling (sorry- I can no longer find her blog to link it here- I am an ADHD web surfer and sometimes I just can't find my way back down that same road!) who mentioned that she was not the typical uber-organized home-school mom.  She mentioned the fact that her house was messy and that occasionally she resorted to watching National Geographic videos for science class.  This made me feel so much better, because I'm pretty sure this would be me if I had the opportunity to home school. I've made excuses on top of excuses for myself, including the one that Gen Xers (I am one) are very private people and unwilling to "toot their own horn," as it were.

I've finally found my ultimate excuse (OK- I actually just learned something about my own personality).  In my ADHD web-surfing I recently ran across a blog where the writer mentioned in her description of herself that she was an INFJ.  I immediately Googled that to figure out what she meant.  Those of you who have had a psychology class more recently than I have may know instantly what I am talking about.  It's been almost 20 years a long time for me, so this was not something that gets stored in "speedy recall" memory (I need that space for things like where is the Odo-Ban my daughter misplaced so we can clean up a dog mess, the location of DH's sunglasses, and which grade level and class is on which art lesson today!).  Google reminded me that ages ago when the rocks were hot, I'd learned about the Briggs-Meyer personality tests and this was one of their personality designations.  Obviously this information was one of those things I stored for a school test and never accessed again, but returning to it as an older (and on some days wiser!) woman, it seemed interesting.  I've studied lots of personality-type tests over the years, especially the modern adaptations of the old "four humors" (choleric, melancholy, sanguine, and phlegmatic) view originally popularized by Hippocrates (of our medical Hippocratic Oath).

Many times, I've felt that these personality classification systems didn't fit me well, or made me look extremely confused!  Looking at the Briggs-Meyer, it seems to make a little more sense (again- you psychology buffs out there may be feeling a "duh" moment!).  I took a brief test here:

Briggs-Meyers quick personality test
 
The results are listed as a series of four letters, but the letter patterns are also given a title.  My letter pattern, ISFP for Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving) is labeled The Artist.  So, not really a big shock for the art teacher to have The Artist personality!  But in a detailed description of the Briggs-Meyers types I found here:  https://www.personalitypage.com/html/portraits.html
I realized that I may be feeling guilty about the way God made me.  I expected to see things like "strong affinity for aesthetics and beauty", "gifted at creating beautiful things", and even "sensitive to how things look" (but also to "touch, taste, sound and feel"- I didn't know that!  I do that!).  There were also traits I didn't expect to be listed as intrinsic to my personality.  They mentioned traits like: 

• ISFPs tend to be quiet and reserved, and difficult to get to know well. They hold back their ideas and opinions except from those who they are closest to.            

--that sounds like me... I was always told I was just "shy"  

• ISFP is unlikely to give himself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unnecessary harshness. 

  --Hmmm.  This one looks familiar too.  Is this where the guilt comes from?



I don't always think about the fact that traits I consider negative were placed in me by God just like traits I consider positive.  I tend to feel (guiltily) like the negatives are something that are my fault and I should get them purged from my heart before I can come to Him.

How do I, the pot, get to tell God, the potter, what I should be?

I just thought I would share this with you... maybe it will help you, too, to remember the truth about how we are "fearfully and wonderfully made."  And, I will try harder to overcome my personality and blog more regularly!!! :) 


¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

[One of my favorite verses- as an artist, this so speaks to my soul about how God is the ultimate artist, with terms like "knitting" and "forming" us!]