Sometimes Things Are Too Hard to Speak About

                                     Roger Fenton photographer, "The valley of the shadow of death." 1855. Science Museum, London
I am a rather quiet person, and this blogging thing was a HUGE step out of my comfort zone.  I am the person who is usually sitting quietly observing others' conversations in a gathering.  I am the same way online-  I truly enjoy reading the blogs of others and have found a handful written by women I truly wish lived closer, because I am sure we would be "kindred spirits", as Anne of Green Gables was fond of saying.  I haven't figured that anyone else out there was reading mine with perhaps the same thoughts.  My apologies to those who have found these rather sparse pages.  I have neglected posting for so long as our family has been walking through a very deep, very long valley that I haven't really been able to put into words... particularly because I don't want to sound like a giant whiner. 

I realize how enormously blessed I am to be an American, to have a home and a job, to have the time (ever) to look at the internet instead of struggling daily to feed my family...  Perhaps others of you who believe in Christ feel discouragement deeply.  I sure do.  I actually was drawn back to listening to Christian radio after having given it up for a decade of beautiful classical music when I turned on a local station that was playing songs with a message I'd never heard before:  one that said it was okay to believe strongly and deeply in Christ and to feel some days like life on this broken but beautiful planet is awfully hard.  Songs like "I'm Not Alright" by Sanctus Real, "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns, and "I Can't Do This" by Plumb.  These were some of the first Christ followers I heard admitting that knowing Jesus doesn't stop all the problems, doesn't make everything perfect, with everything coming up roses and every day a sunny day. 

I have to admit that I feel enormously spiritually inadequate around believers who have the gift of (it seems) honestly declaring daily that they are blessed and happy and things are great.  I have days where I am praying to keep from crying, and even so, it feels like my prayers are going no further than the ceiling.  I wonder if, perhaps, because I don't feel constant joy maybe God doesn't actually love me, or maybe I'm not really a Christian.  It's really easy in these times to let the Evil One convince us of these lies that aren't true about God.  It's also really easy to convince yourself that because you have problems, struggles, and doubts, that maybe you "never really meant it" in offering your heart to God. 

I'm working hard through this time to check out people in the Bible who had doubts too.  Peter, who was good at taking a leap of faith and hanging up right in the middle; Thomas, who had walked the streets with the Creator of the Universe and still demanded proof; Gideon, who asked God more than once for "just one more sign You're there."  I have to assume God had their stories mentioned in the Bible to serve as touch-points for the rest of us.  I also really appreciate songwriters like the guys of Tenth Avenue North who publish songs like my current favorite, "Worn."  What a fabulous example of someone crying out to Heaven in the midst of life beating them down. I must admit to the truth of God teaching us valuable lessons through really hard times.  You don't feel the meaning in your heart of verses like Matthew 11:28-30 when life is easy and happy:

Matthew 11:28-30New International Version (NIV)
²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I really yearn for that easy yoke and light burden!

SO- thank you for those of you who have visited my humble little home in cyberspace.  I am blessed by your reading my words and thoughts and your interest in me.  I am sorry I haven't posted more often, as it's "hard to get signal in the valley."  :)  As I am walking toward the end (I hope) of this valley, I am starting to gain a bit of perspective and as I work through it, I will be better able to post and share.  I cant guarantee soon, or amazing, but if I find things I've learned that might help others, I will try to toss them into the winds of the digital world and maybe you will find them.  Thank you for being there, and thank you for being patient!