Sometimes Things Are Too Hard to Speak About

                                     Roger Fenton photographer, "The valley of the shadow of death." 1855. Science Museum, London
I am a rather quiet person, and this blogging thing was a HUGE step out of my comfort zone.  I am the person who is usually sitting quietly observing others' conversations in a gathering.  I am the same way online-  I truly enjoy reading the blogs of others and have found a handful written by women I truly wish lived closer, because I am sure we would be "kindred spirits", as Anne of Green Gables was fond of saying.  I haven't figured that anyone else out there was reading mine with perhaps the same thoughts.  My apologies to those who have found these rather sparse pages.  I have neglected posting for so long as our family has been walking through a very deep, very long valley that I haven't really been able to put into words... particularly because I don't want to sound like a giant whiner. 

I realize how enormously blessed I am to be an American, to have a home and a job, to have the time (ever) to look at the internet instead of struggling daily to feed my family...  Perhaps others of you who believe in Christ feel discouragement deeply.  I sure do.  I actually was drawn back to listening to Christian radio after having given it up for a decade of beautiful classical music when I turned on a local station that was playing songs with a message I'd never heard before:  one that said it was okay to believe strongly and deeply in Christ and to feel some days like life on this broken but beautiful planet is awfully hard.  Songs like "I'm Not Alright" by Sanctus Real, "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns, and "I Can't Do This" by Plumb.  These were some of the first Christ followers I heard admitting that knowing Jesus doesn't stop all the problems, doesn't make everything perfect, with everything coming up roses and every day a sunny day. 

I have to admit that I feel enormously spiritually inadequate around believers who have the gift of (it seems) honestly declaring daily that they are blessed and happy and things are great.  I have days where I am praying to keep from crying, and even so, it feels like my prayers are going no further than the ceiling.  I wonder if, perhaps, because I don't feel constant joy maybe God doesn't actually love me, or maybe I'm not really a Christian.  It's really easy in these times to let the Evil One convince us of these lies that aren't true about God.  It's also really easy to convince yourself that because you have problems, struggles, and doubts, that maybe you "never really meant it" in offering your heart to God. 

I'm working hard through this time to check out people in the Bible who had doubts too.  Peter, who was good at taking a leap of faith and hanging up right in the middle; Thomas, who had walked the streets with the Creator of the Universe and still demanded proof; Gideon, who asked God more than once for "just one more sign You're there."  I have to assume God had their stories mentioned in the Bible to serve as touch-points for the rest of us.  I also really appreciate songwriters like the guys of Tenth Avenue North who publish songs like my current favorite, "Worn."  What a fabulous example of someone crying out to Heaven in the midst of life beating them down. I must admit to the truth of God teaching us valuable lessons through really hard times.  You don't feel the meaning in your heart of verses like Matthew 11:28-30 when life is easy and happy:

Matthew 11:28-30New International Version (NIV)
²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I really yearn for that easy yoke and light burden!

SO- thank you for those of you who have visited my humble little home in cyberspace.  I am blessed by your reading my words and thoughts and your interest in me.  I am sorry I haven't posted more often, as it's "hard to get signal in the valley."  :)  As I am walking toward the end (I hope) of this valley, I am starting to gain a bit of perspective and as I work through it, I will be better able to post and share.  I cant guarantee soon, or amazing, but if I find things I've learned that might help others, I will try to toss them into the winds of the digital world and maybe you will find them.  Thank you for being there, and thank you for being patient!

Requesting Prayers

Our dogs are very special to us.  My husband and I have made it our life's goal to rescue those that can't fend for themselves, and throughout the years, those we've most been able to help have been four legged.  Of course, our goal is to adopt several more children as well, and our daughter is more precious to us than life itself- we are so blessed she joined our lives.  Sometimes I wish it was as easy (and it isn't always easy to rescue animals) to rescue kids as it is animals.  I wanted to ask special prayers tonight for one of our rescued little ones.

Banshee is a Border Collie we rescued in 2002.  She came to us because even as a puppy she was too much of a heathen for anyone else in our rescue organization to handle!  Banshee caught my eye because she looked like the baby version of another Border Collie I had lost (to a terrible, incurable disease) 2 years previously who was a dog of my heart.  She has been an ornery little pistol most of her life, but she definitely has LOTS of character.  She sits in straight-backed chairs like a person, drinks from straws and water bottles (she prefers Blizzards), talks back, carries around her dish like Snoopy, sits on the toilet seat while I put on make-up in the morning, sleeps on my head, and just generally makes sure we all notice her presence.  She is 9 1/2, due to turn 10 in April (we picked a birthday of April Fool's Day for her because she was such a stinker!), but you would never guess- she is just as active, busy, and bossy as she ever was.

I am pleading for your prayers for my little Banshee as I have found two lumps on her in the past couple of days.  One is on her ribcage and is hopefully just a "fatty cyst".  More serious and frightening is the small round lump I've found under her jaw in the area of her lymph node.  This could be serious (like the C word).  I am terrified.  I have her scheduled to see a vet Monday (found the throat lump Friday- that was the soonest we could get in).  I am praying that it is nothing- just a fatty lump and enlarged lymph gland from a slight infection or something minor.  I beg that you would pray with me.  She is so very special to our family.  Her loss or an expensive treatment for lymphoma will seriously derail our family both emotionally and possibly financially.  I have often thought that one of the things Satan attacks is pets that are dear to us... so many adoption stories I have read (including our own) include a pet dying shortly after a family has adopted a child.  Something seriously wrong with our Banshee will throw one more roadblock in the way of making our next adoption a reality.  I have a hard time remembering that God can move all mountains and win all battles.  Will you please pray for my silly little dog with me?  (If you're one of the folks who doesn't treasure dogs like we do and you find this request offensive, please realize she means a lot to me.)

Well, That Explains A Lot!

I tend to beat myself up mentally... a lot!  The need to feel guilt was an emphasis in my childhood, and one of those things that got well ingrained.  So, I feel guilty about everything.   (DH says I feel guilty about things I can't even effect... he's probably right!)  One of the things I've been feeling guilty about is my good intentions for this blog and how paralyzed I seem to be at actually getting anything posted.  I was really hoping to have lots of friendly people following along our journey to our new son.  I don't think my lack of posts has really helped that much!  To your credit- I would get bored waiting for new posts too!!!

Even though I follow other people's blogs-- I feel like they have become friends of mine and eagerly check at least every few days to see how they are doing-- I still have this niggling doubt (Satan enjoys attacking my self-esteem;  it's a sore spot that always scores him a direct hit) that I can't imagine why anyone would feel that way about me.  This is in spite of the fact that some of the blog posts I've appreciated most are the ones where people have admitted they are not the amazingly put-together people it's easy to assume other people are-- like the precious lady who I read talking about homeschooling (sorry- I can no longer find her blog to link it here- I am an ADHD web surfer and sometimes I just can't find my way back down that same road!) who mentioned that she was not the typical uber-organized home-school mom.  She mentioned the fact that her house was messy and that occasionally she resorted to watching National Geographic videos for science class.  This made me feel so much better, because I'm pretty sure this would be me if I had the opportunity to home school. I've made excuses on top of excuses for myself, including the one that Gen Xers (I am one) are very private people and unwilling to "toot their own horn," as it were.

I've finally found my ultimate excuse (OK- I actually just learned something about my own personality).  In my ADHD web-surfing I recently ran across a blog where the writer mentioned in her description of herself that she was an INFJ.  I immediately Googled that to figure out what she meant.  Those of you who have had a psychology class more recently than I have may know instantly what I am talking about.  It's been almost 20 years a long time for me, so this was not something that gets stored in "speedy recall" memory (I need that space for things like where is the Odo-Ban my daughter misplaced so we can clean up a dog mess, the location of DH's sunglasses, and which grade level and class is on which art lesson today!).  Google reminded me that ages ago when the rocks were hot, I'd learned about the Briggs-Meyer personality tests and this was one of their personality designations.  Obviously this information was one of those things I stored for a school test and never accessed again, but returning to it as an older (and on some days wiser!) woman, it seemed interesting.  I've studied lots of personality-type tests over the years, especially the modern adaptations of the old "four humors" (choleric, melancholy, sanguine, and phlegmatic) view originally popularized by Hippocrates (of our medical Hippocratic Oath).

Many times, I've felt that these personality classification systems didn't fit me well, or made me look extremely confused!  Looking at the Briggs-Meyer, it seems to make a little more sense (again- you psychology buffs out there may be feeling a "duh" moment!).  I took a brief test here:

Briggs-Meyers quick personality test
 
The results are listed as a series of four letters, but the letter patterns are also given a title.  My letter pattern, ISFP for Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving) is labeled The Artist.  So, not really a big shock for the art teacher to have The Artist personality!  But in a detailed description of the Briggs-Meyers types I found here:  https://www.personalitypage.com/html/portraits.html
I realized that I may be feeling guilty about the way God made me.  I expected to see things like "strong affinity for aesthetics and beauty", "gifted at creating beautiful things", and even "sensitive to how things look" (but also to "touch, taste, sound and feel"- I didn't know that!  I do that!).  There were also traits I didn't expect to be listed as intrinsic to my personality.  They mentioned traits like: 

• ISFPs tend to be quiet and reserved, and difficult to get to know well. They hold back their ideas and opinions except from those who they are closest to.            

--that sounds like me... I was always told I was just "shy"  

• ISFP is unlikely to give himself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unnecessary harshness. 

  --Hmmm.  This one looks familiar too.  Is this where the guilt comes from?



I don't always think about the fact that traits I consider negative were placed in me by God just like traits I consider positive.  I tend to feel (guiltily) like the negatives are something that are my fault and I should get them purged from my heart before I can come to Him.

How do I, the pot, get to tell God, the potter, what I should be?

I just thought I would share this with you... maybe it will help you, too, to remember the truth about how we are "fearfully and wonderfully made."  And, I will try harder to overcome my personality and blog more regularly!!! :) 


¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

[One of my favorite verses- as an artist, this so speaks to my soul about how God is the ultimate artist, with terms like "knitting" and "forming" us!]

Almost

A while ago, I posted about our "almost daughter", Sherry, asking for your prayers for her.  I have an update... she had her baby, a son named Owen Lee.  Although I must admit to not having been ready to be a grandma and not yet 40 years old, my heart breaks for this little guy.  He's been born into such an unstable situation, and to a mama with a very weak support system.  Kids are a challenging blessing (!) when you have enough money and a good support system and there's neither for this little fellow.  Unfortunately, there isn't much that our family can offer, due to the dangers inherent in Sherry's chosen life (my hubby is very afraid of endangering our daughter).  We just found out from Sherry that her older sister, who she lives with, just had her baby (about a year old?) taken by CPS, so the home situation will be difficult for this precious little one.  Since there's so little we are able to do, I would like to beg of you the one thing we can do: PRAY!  Pray that Sherry will be a better parent than what she's seen and that she will love this little boy and protect him.  If you happen to know anyone who has baby clothes, etc. they'd like to get rid of, email me!  I do have her address and I think I can mail her care packages (not yet sure if she will get them in the neighborhood she's living in- awfully rough). 

Welcome to the world, little Owen, my "almost" grandson.  May God guard your life.

Seen and Heard at our House

I don't ever remember life being nearly so funny before our daughter joined our lives!  Hardly a day goes by that she doesn't manage to say something entertaining!  I think it's even funnier because testing has concluded that this girl has something like a 125 IQ.  Bless her teacher this year- Kitty has mentioned on several occasions that Mrs.WP has told her it is painful to listen to Kitty use the English language-- that poor woman!  We joke that it won't be much of a trauma for us to adopt a son that doesn't speak English because we already have a daughter who we're pretty sure is using English as a second language (yes, she was born speaking English- it doesn't matter!)

NOT IN SPELLING!
Seen in a recent "thank you" email Kitty asked me to check before she sent it:

"My school year has been going great.  I have all A's with one B this year.  But for this last 9 weeks I hope to get all A's.  I am in TAG (talented and gifted) classes.  That means I am in edvancede (sic) classes in school."


MAYBE THEY SHOULDN'T LET HER GRADUATE
Kitty informed us today that she was having a 'congratulation' party with the 6th grade band later in the week.  This almost made sense (she manages to "almost" make sense a lot!) till she informed us that it was because the 6th graders were 'congratulating' to the middle school and the marching band for next year, and that we could also take her home early after her 6th grade 'congratulation' ceremony!  She was very excited that she gets to 'congratulate' from 6th grade!

OF COURSE!
I am closing down my classrooms this week, and one of the first things I bring home are the indoor plants.  Since we are hitting 100 degree temps today, I had Kitty come out and help me water all of them when I got them home to summer on the front porch.  As we were watering, a bee had flown in and was checking things out.  Since our dream is to have rural property and raise honey bees we both looked to see what kind of bee it was.  Kitty was suitably impressed when I identified it for her as being a honey bee.  She was then asking how I could tell, and what wasps and yellow jackets looked like compared to a honey bee.  She also mentioned that she knew what bumble bees looked like, but wanted to know what the difference was between honey bees and bumble bees.  I simply told her that honey bees make honey.  She then connected it all up to leap to a brilliant conclusion:  "So honey bees make honey, and bumble bee make bumble, right?"
Huh? 

Failure

Apologies for the spottiness of my posts- end of school year is always a crazy time for me as I wrap up my year and prepare for the different tasks of summer... hopefully this year it will be full of preparations for God to work in bringing home our little boy.  I truly lack patience (just ask my family and friends how I read the end of novels while I'm still in the middle!) and I am not always good at waiting on God's plan.  I feel really desperate as I have checked the blog of the agency that listed our little boy and he is one of only 7 out of 30 children in his orphanage that were featured who have not already gone home (including others older and with more involved special needs).  How horrible and rejected he must feel.  But I have learned to wait on God's timing, and today's post will show why.  It's also an urgent prayer request for a lost soul.

My hubby and I started into our adoption journey about 6 years ago.  We had always thought we would adopt, but we got serious then.  My heart broke looking at pictures and profiles of kids online (I'll write a post about that another time).  Starting the 2006 school year, it seemed like a way to circumvent all the waiting and choosing of children offered itself.  A cute little 7th grade girl I'll call "Sherry" moved into the district.  I discovered she was in foster care.  It seemed like a perfect solution... we would just adopt my student.

Sometimes I have trouble distinguishing between doors being closed and obstacles that I should push through.  In hindsight, it seems that I was encountering closed doors.  I checked Sherry's files and contacted the agency that was currently handling her.  They were really horrible to me when I stopped in... yelled at me about how her current foster placement was just fine, when my inquiries were about how to adopt her (they have since been closed, and I am trying not to be too happy about that- they didn't seem like children's best interests were the heart of their business).  Sherry did give me the name of her county social worker and I contacted her.  The SW detailed how the birth family had fought the adoption of one brother and how the rest of the older daughters had resisted adoption, saying they were returning to their birth mom, but thought it was a great idea we wanted Sherry and referred us to a home study agency. 

The home study was a strange struggle, including failing our fire inspection for a lack of 36" passages between boxes in our uninhabited storage attic, carefully transcribed appointment times frequently being gotten wrong, and our child abuse registry check taking about 4 months when we were told it would be quick.  It got so bad that we actually had to change agencies before our home study was completely done, as the agency went down in a ball of flames (state audits and closure for ethics issues!).  Many other clients lost money and home studies, so we were fortunate to have seen the writing on the wall there.  Sherry started having visits with us, which were also a disaster.  At school, she had been friendly and loving, drawing me pictures and even wanting to call me mom.  Out with hubby and I she was angry, resentful, silent and belligerent.  At one point, after dropping her off, my hubby heart-brokenly exclaimed that he couldn't believe that he couldn't live up to her dead father (a terrifying story I won't repeat out of respect for privacy).

Long story short... all this came to a head with Sherry refusing to come for a visit on a holiday weekend (which we discovered she'd spent drinking and taking drugs), after which she emailed us and said she didn't want to be adopted and never had.  Our world was completely shattered, as we'd gotten very attached to her.  (***On an side note:   this absolute train-wreck did lead to the discovery of our daughter, which was an amazing blessing- we wouldn't trade her for the world, and might not otherwise have her, as we found her the night of Sherry's crushing rejection email).  We've never been able to conceive, but this felt as awful as the death of a child, only worse, because there was no better place she'd gone- she was still knocking around in the public system making a progressively worse mess of herself.  Over the next few months, she waffled back and forth telling us she did and didn't want adopted.  I beat myself up for months (and still sometimes do) for being like Sarah- Abraham's wife.  Instead of waiting on God's timing, I had tried to push things forward because I couldn't wait to bring children into our family.  Rather than receiving the promised blessing, I felt I too had created an Ishmael.

However, Sherry didn't stop contacting us.  She's continued to email and text us since that time.  Heart-rending though it is, we felt we should stay in contact to offer her a positive influence in her life, even as all our friends and some family reminded us how "lucky" we were that things didn't work out and how we'd "dodged a bullet" (Sherry continued to have delinquent-type problems).  She has continued to be in our prayers.  A few months ago, Sherry revealed that she was pregnant.  She was living in a flophouse-caliber apartment (as revealed by photos she'd sent) with a rather questionable boy (again, identifying problems kept private).  She'd been texting me on his phone to stay in touch.  Last time I tried to text her, I received his reply that he "don't see her no more" and he had no idea how else she could be contacted.  I am disappointed, as I had at least wanted to help her find a few items for her baby and visit them in the hospital when he is born.  I've tried every way I've had to contact her... nothing.  She is now very pregnant with no job, no money, no high school diploma, no father for the baby, and possibly no home.  She is now lost to all but God, and my heart breaks over this child once again.  I ask that you pray for Sherry, and especially her baby, who seems to be embarking on life at least as hard as his mother's before even being born.  I don't know what else to do.

A Miracle for Orphans!

Asia's Hope Website

I always worry that I cannot do enough to help fix things in the world all by myself.  Although I love the "starfish" story that many adoptive parents pass around, and I truly want to help the ones who need it, human or animal, right in front of me, I feel guilty that I can't save the world!  But our family got to see the power of joining together this weekend at our church... and what an amazing thing can happen.

Our church partners with Asia's Hope, an organization that helps provide permanent orphanages for children at risk of exploitation.  Last Sunday there was a special collection taken for building a new orphanage building for 24 children who were housed in a rental facility.  Our church was offered a matching grant for $50,000 if the congregation could raise the same amount.  Lots of special things were done, including a silent auction of original art pieces made my church members (which were really cool!).  This Sunday, the pastor let us know how the collection went.  Instead of meeting the $50K goal... WE BLEW IT AWAY!!!!  The church collected almost $400,000 for orphan homes in Cambodia.  Instead of one home, now 4 can be build to take more precious treasures off the streets and provide them with a home, safety and education!

OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!  AND HIS HEART IS FOR THE ORPHAN!

Amazing Power

University of Missouri Storm Chasing Team

Yet another storm front is moving through our area (time for that ark yet?!) and it got me to thinking today.  I absolutely love displays of the power of nature.  To me, they are displays of the power of God.  I love watching and feeling strong winds whipping through, tossing the trees.  Storms with lightning and thunder are absolutely magical.  Every time I have been in the ocean, I have stood in awe and amazement, feeling (in a good way) just how small and mortal I really am.  It brings to life that line in the old hymn: "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand".  These little displays of God's awesome power thrill me.  

However... God dropped this little thought in my head while I was standing outside reveling in the furious wind... show too much power and it scares me.  Wind... storms... bring it on!  Tornadoes... terrify me.  My parents used to watch shows on TV about tornadoes when I was little and I wouldn't sleep for days following.  Didn't matter that it was a bright sunny sky out (yeah- sunny.  I think my mom sent us to bed at like 8 p.m. in the summer!).  Tsunamis- the ultimate end of those powerful waves- wouldn't want to be anywhere near one.  I treat God the same way.

We are starting to see the power that God really possesses as we walk further along our adoption journey.  I had mentioned this earlier.  Now that our taxes are actually done and sent (although the refund hasn't been sent yet, so I'm still a little nervous to mention), God is offering us a pretty major step forward by way of the IRS.  We received the remainder of the adoption credit this year for our daughter's adoption, which we probably would have needed 1-2 more years to finish under the previous tax arrangements.  Instead, the leftover amount is all coming now.  The amount we are receiving is going to be enough to pay off our remaining debts minus our home mortgage!  What a miracle!  This will free up money monthly to start saving and paying for our son's adoption.

Now don't get me wrong... the IRS isn't sending us megabucks!  But, we have spent the past 5 years working hard on getting better with our finances so that God was better able to use us.  Dear hubby and I were financial morons when we got married!  5 years ago, we were introduced to Dave Ramsey and his Financial Peace University.  Check it out:

Financial Peace University

It is definitely not easy, and it takes a while to actually gain financial ground (a crock pot, not a microwave, as he puts it) but it is sooooooo worth it.  You may have heard the same type of advice before, but Dave Ramsey actually makes it seem doable and maybe even a little fun.  Hubby says he best likes how Ramsey encourages you to be excited about freeing yourself from your debtors ("What creditor are you gonna really enjoy saying 'Ha- never have to deal with you again!' to?")  His debt snowball plan really has worked in our lives.  It seemed like a really slow process, but we also adopted a kid in the middle of it!

So here is God, offering me a big step forward, and I have to admit, I'm scared!  If God really starts to show me His power, I have NO excuses for my fears, doubts, whining, lack of effort on the part of His Kingdom or any of the other failings I am so comfortable in.  If He can move mountains to bring my son home, when I can't do it myself, I have no other option than to stand up and shout to the world what an amazing God I serve!  It means that I need to be for Him like those crazy storm chasers are for weather-- leaping right into the thick of it and celebrating His power and His glory.  Wow!